With the NFL Network broadcasting its first game this Thursday, it will only be a matter of time before every professional and major college team has its own channel to broadcast their games. This will leave ESPN with nothing but the WNBA game of the week and 23 hours a day of Around the Horn. How will this effect the lives of those made into household names by the Worldwide Leader?
Let's take a look into the future...
Super Bowl 2012
Kenny Mayne and Suzy Kolber - Turn their successful careers in commercials into hosting a 30 minute infomercial on the amazing ab and bun machine that also acts as a marinator and silver cleaner.
Mark May - In November 2009, Lou Holtz tries to punch May on live TV after he suggests that a 4-8 Notre Dame team should not be included in the BCS title game. ESPN had just bid 20 billion dollars to broadcast Notre Dame football and after pressure from Digger Phelps, Mike Brey, Bob Davie, Gerry Faust and new play by play man Regis Philbin, May takes the fall. Eventually writes a tell-all book with Harold Reynolds about the inner workings of the Bristol studios.
Dan Patrick - Horrible Onstar Hotline accident involving Keith Olberman ended his career in early 2006. What, you mean he is still on the air?
Michael Irvin - Dallas County Inmate #139876P25.
Chris Berman - Never returns from forced leave of absence after attempting to kiss Brett Favre at Favre's retirement news conference in February, 2011. A tearful Berman appears with Joe Namath on The View six months later to begin the healing process.
Bill Simmons - Popular website columnist is arrested after Colts win 2012 Super Bowl (their 3rd in 5 years) for sending threatening letters to Peyton Manning. Simmons had been released from his contract for failing to produce his required number of columns after ESPN decided he could no longer use Tom Brady is better than Peyton Manning as a topic. The only 3 original columns (all mailbags) he posts in 2011 will still be available to ESPN Insiders. In an ironic turn of events, he ends up cellmates with former Knicks coach Isaiah Thomas, serving a life sentence for taking out a contract on Simmon's life. Luckily for Simmons, just like with everything else Thomas tried, he failed.
Joe Theismann - Tragic story. After ESPN fires Tony Kornheiser from the Monday Night booth for talking about his Fantasy team too much, they bring in Dick Vitale. In an effort to be heard over Vitale, Theismann screams so loud his vocal cord literally breaks in two and his career ends. Mike Tirico says it sounded like a twig snapping. Lawrence Taylor was unavailable for comment.
Dick Vitale - After the Theismann incident, ESPN goes with announcer less booth and sets ratings records. He ends up fighting Billy Packer on one of Fox's celebrity boxing shows. Fight ends in a draw as both were wearing I Love Coach K shirts and as a result it was difficult to tell who was punching who.
Woody Paige - Solved the question if a news columnist who's opinion no one cares about screams in the woods, can anyone hear it? The answer sadly was no, but we can only guess he is still screaming.
Sean Salisbury and John Clayton - Moved to Vermont where their life partnership continues in relative anonymity.
It looks like we should enjoy these characters while we can. Enjoy the game on Thursday!!
(Originally published 2007.)
The Demise of ESPN
SportsDataSource.com [http://www.sportsdatasource.com] - Free online handicapping tools for information you need.... plus other amusing sports-related stuff.
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